"I almost broke down when the doctor (it's a new doctor btw) told me that I had Cholesteatoma and that he was really sorry, and that removing the tumor wouldn't give me my hearing back.
But my own willpower kept me from crying. I would not break down. Not like this. Not now.
I wanted to tell the doctor no. I don't wan't to do the operation. I'm clearly not meant to be alive. Everything that has ever happened to me are my facts. And I don't want to live either. Because I'm so tired of all this. All my life I've always wanted to be like the other kids. I've been bullied because of my syndrome for ages, and even for my lack of hearing. I'm just so tired of fighting back. I saw not going trough with this operation as my ticket out of this misery"
I always pictured this day as the happiest day of my life. No more problems. No more misery. No more pain.
I was so depressed at that time. This day was my only hope at times. I'd get passed this. One day I would be celebrating my own litter bittersweet one year anniversary. I'd be far away from my horrendous life.
All I've wanted to do is move on. Move on from that day. That first day of October. I believe it was a quite sunny day. I don't remember the details.
Something that I do remember is the night before.
I cried. I cried in my mothers arms. I cried for every bad thing that i'd been bottling on the inside.
I remember what I told her before I was anesthetized. I'm not going to share it on my blog.
I remember hearing voices when I was about to wake up from the narcosis. Something about my temperature dropping like a stone. Not good. But they managed the situation. Obviously.
I remember being greeted by my lovely friends. I remember the gift bag I got from my classmates. I remember thinking "I'm one lucky girl"
I don't remember the time after in details. That's when things got scary. I don't want to remember.
It's funny, because it doesn't feel like a year at all. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I still get panic attacks because of that single day. I still think about it, every single day. I still cry over it.
That day changed me. I'm never going to be the girl I was before again. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to. But I'm still putting my pieces together.
I'm so strong. I am. I lost my balance due to physical illness, but I never stopped walking. My first steps were slow. I fell and got up. Then my pace got a bit faster. Then I lost my balance again, and I had to start over again. And I did. I've never been so scared in my life. But I had to keep walking. I was on sick leave during 50% of my junior year. But I managed to get a B on 4/9 subjects. 1 A, 2 C's, 1 D and 1 E.
I went to school before classes started to study, I stayed after school to study. I came home every day, ate dinner and went straight to bed. Every day. I didn't rest.
Giving up was never in my vocabulary. I just wanted to get it all over with.
On our last day of school I got the honor book from my mentor. Second year in a row. I don't think anyone in my school have ever gotten it twice before. I think that was when I realized that I'd actually done it. I'd achieved my goal. I was even beyond it.
It broke me. I lost my personality. I didn't read books during my recovery, I hated going to parties, I broke up with my life-long boyfriend (My gym), and even you guys. I lost interest in my own masterpiece. My blog.
I had to drop everything to be able to get back on track. I made it, but I lost myself on the way.
One year later.
Today I'm so many things. I'm the president of my school union, I'm politically engaged, I'm a student, a blogger and a teenager. I'm still putting my own pieces together, but at least now I have purposes. I've achieved goals I didn't even knew I had. But I'm still putting my pieces together. I still get my panic attacks. I'm still on check-up's. I still have a hard time concentrating on things. I still think about that day and it's consequences.
But it's easier now. And hopefully it will only keep getting easier. Life is not easy. Not at all. Life will test me over and over again. But come on, I sold my soul to get back on track the last time life gave me lemons. Not that I would do it again, but still. I'm not giving up that easily, the road is long, but I have time.