or maybe it was just some firework. anyway
today i wan't to talk about confidence. or more the lack of confidence.
Im a teenage girl. with teenage problems.
growing up wasn't and is still not always a dance. I make choices, I do mistakes, i get laughed at, i get hate, people call me names, etc. and I know for a fact that im not the only one out there. there are millions of other people going through what i just named on a daily basic. It's a part of our society. always, there, always will, always have. And it brings us down. in one way or another.
When i was younger i got bullied. I was being bullied because i was nice to other people, because I had nice clothes, because i looked differently and because i was weak. people saw me as a target.
After that, and my parents divorce i built up a shell around me. to protect me. i thought relationships with others was just a temporary thing. i looked down at myself, just because other people did. i started to think of myself as a joke. because people had brought me down too many times. I started to agree with what those kids were telling me.
and my confidence was long gone to be there and save myself from myself.
but one day i thought to myself. to hell with this.
i had been stomped, laughed, spit, kicked on for to long. i was not going to take it anymore. I deserved so much better. and i was tired of it all.
and i began with me.
i started in another class. they were so much better than my previous class, and they put a smile on my face now and then.
I changed my attitude. I started doing things i love, such as dancing, painting, and the best part, being politically involved. i started doing this i was actually good at. and i loved every bit of it. I gained confidence from that. i still up to this day don't really know how, but i did. I started getting some new friends, they thought i was fun to hang out with, and my last year at that school was actually pretty funny. of course i was still that 8 year old weak girl inside that could be brought down by just one single word but i didn't show it. I faked confidence until i made it.
easier said than done, I had to work very very hard.
opening up to other people helped. at first i opened up to just about anyone. just to get it out. don't do that, big mistake. people will either help you with your weakness or turn the table and play it right back at your face. But opening up to your parent, a close friend, a therapist really really helps. someone that doesn't judge you. and after my big break down where I just told every bad thing that happen to me, after that, man i could breath. a weight from my shoulder was being lifted. and that was the day my life started again. for real. without that mini devil on my left shoulder. and i can honestly tell you that i haven't been this happy before my little "break down" as i like to call it. sometimes you just have to look your fear in the eye and tell her/him "im better than you"
and while writing this. i realize something. something important. you might have all the help in the world, but it is up to you to use it.
Go out there and face the world. find out what you like to do and what you are good at and start doing it. start realizing what good of a person you are. you will surprise yourself with the positive feeling you will start to feel when you start to put some value in yourself. and don't you ever dare think the thought "i don't deserve this happiness" because that is your weakness talking. hear your confidence, and hear it loud. something my mother always used to tell me was "when you start to like yourself and respect yourself others will do it to. it's all about what you think of yourself, because people can sniff other people's weaknesses from miles away" and o'boy isn't that true.
know that you can ALWAYS contact me if you wan't to talk,
I will always be there for you if you are going through a tough time.
forever and always